sætte CommandField.ShowDeleteButton for hver række i codebehind

fandt selv løsningen :-)

    Protected Sub GridView1_RowDataBound(ByVal sender As Object, ByVal e As System.Web.UI.WebControls.GridViewRowEventArgs) Handles GridView1.RowDataBound
        If e.Row.RowType = DataControlRowType.DataRow Then
            Dim CheckBox1 As CheckBox = (CType(e.Row.FindControl("CheckBox1"), CheckBox))
            If CheckBox1.Checked = False Then
                Dim SelectButton As LinkButton = CType(e.Row.Cells(0).Controls(0), LinkButton)
                SelectButton.Visible = False
                Dim DeleteButton As LinkButton = CType(e.Row.Cells(0).Controls(2), LinkButton)
                DeleteButton.Visible = False
            End If
        End If
    End Sub